Communication Skill 1:
Active Listening
To be heard and understood you need to take turns.
How often is your partner halfway through a sentence and you're already constructing your response?
You're not really listening, you're waiting. And they're doing exactly the same thing.
You might not even be that good at waiting - maybe you’re also interrupting each other.
When two people are speaking and nobody is actually listening it leaves you both feeling frustrated, unheard, and arguments drag out far longer than they need to.
Active Listening is an incredibly simple tool that breaks that cycle. When my husband and I get into an argument, this is our go-to.
"They’re not listening so I need to keep stating my point until they get it"
Some part of us believes this. If I just explain it more clearly, or say it again, or find a different way to put it, surely they'll understand.
But what’s actually happening is the more you push, the more they resist. They’re not able to hear what you have to say, instead they’re withdrawing or defending against it. And the more they defend or withdraw, the harder you push. You're not having a conversation at this point, you're in a standoff.
Volume, repetition and persistence is not an effective communication strategy. (And if we’re really honest with ourselves we know this, we just don’t know what the alternative is)
To really get your point across, you need to take turns.
Reflect
Can you actually think of a time when doubling down on getting your point across and interrupting your partner actually worked?
Active Listening
How to use the tool
Active Listening is a structured practice where you take turns being the speaker and the listener.
1: The speaker shares without interruption from the listener
The speaker talks for up to five minutes without interruption. Longer than that and it’s impossible to remember. You may even need to break it down into smaller chunks.
The listener stays silent. If you start preparing a response, note that to yourself and come back into presence with your partner.
Note
Your job as the listener is to help your partner feel heard. That’s it! At this point it doesn’t matter if you don’t agree. You’ll get your turn.
2: The listener mirrors back what they heard
When the speaker has finished, the listener mirrors back what they heard, as accurately as possible, in as close to the speaker's own words as they can manage. You’re not adding your interpretation or responding at this point. Start with: "What I heard you say was…" followed by as much as you can recall.
3: The listener ends by asking: "Did I get that right? Did I miss anything important?"
The speaker confirms or corrects. If they need to add something, they do, and the listener mirrors again. You stay in this loop until the speaker feels that the listener understands what’s being said.
Note
As the listener you can mirror back and acknowledge your partner’s experience without needing to agree with it.)
4: Stay in the same roles until the speaker feels seen and heard.
Then you switch.
One important note: you may need to do several rounds of this before switching roles. Don't rush it. The point isn't to get to your turn, it's to make sure your partner genuinely feels heard before you ask them to listen to you.
Tip
After the speaker has been heard, it is most effective to move into empathy before you switch roles.
Why it works
When someone mirrors back what you've said accurately, it automatically de-escalates things because you are taking time to hear each other, nobody needs to push or defend anymore.
I’m always amazed at how heated arguments can transform into soft connection in a matter of minutes when this tool is used correctly.
There's also something interesting that happens for the listener. When you know you're going to have to mirror back, you can't simultaneously be constructing a comeback. There isn't enough brain capacity for both, so you have to stay present and actually listen.
It slows the whole conversation down. And that slowness is the point. You cannot have a productive conversation from a reactive place. Active Listening creates just enough structure to keep you both regulated enough to stay on track.
Note
The part of you that might find this boring or too slow and wants things to move faster, is the part that is actually slowing things down.
Feeling heard is what allows the conversation to progress
When to use it
Active Listening is most useful when a conversation keeps escalating and going nowhere, when one of you feels consistently unheard or dismissed, when you're dealing with a topic you've tried to discuss multiple times without resolution, or when you want to build the habit of better communication before things get difficult.
This can be a circuit breakers and help de-escalate conflict.
If you’re using the tool but it’s still not working, one or both of you are probably in a reactive state and you need to return to the foundational practice of the pause.
Tip
It's worth practising on something low-stakes first. Don't save it only for your biggest arguments. Get familiar with it when the pressure is lower, so it's available to you when you need it most.
Learning about these tools is one thing. Using them effectively when you're triggered, hurt, or convinced your partner is being completely unreasonable is another.
That's where working with a coach comes in.
In couples coaching we practise these skills together, with someone to help you catch your patterns in the moment and find your way back to each other.
If you'd like to explore what that could look like for you, check out my couples coaching page or book in a free discovery call.
Where to go Next?
Communication
If you struggle to stay calm and kind in the heat of the moment, understand what’s really going on and how to do come back to centre.
Empathetic Listening
If you’re getting stuck arguing over the details, or struggle to see things from their perspective.
Relational Check-In
If you’re struggling to find time for meaningful conversations, or feel like challenging processes are taking up too much time in your relationship.
