Communication Skill 2:
Empathetic Listening
Imagine what it might feel like to be them in this situation.
"If we can just agree on the facts, this will all get sorted"
I've personally invested a lot of energy in this concept and got nowhere. I’ve spent many hours trying to work out exactly what happened, who said what, who's remembering it right and ended up feeling gaslit, frustrated and hurt.
We can’t agree, we dig in our heels, and conflict escalates.
In relationships there are two realities; yours and mine. Experience is subjective.
Trust me on this one - the day you let go of needing to be right is the day you'll start experiencing dramatically more intimacy and harmony. (And the good news is that you don't have to let go of your own experience or perspective to do it. You just have to make room for theirs.)
Reflect
Can you actually think of a time when attempting to convince your partner you were right actually worked?
In a relationship there are two realities; yours and mine.
Empathetic Listening
How to use the tool
Empathic Listening builds on Active Listening. If you haven't read that yet, start there.
You begin the same way, taking turns as speaker and listener, mirroring back what you've heard until your partner feels understood. But then you go one step further.
Once you've mirrored back what your partner has said, you imagine yourself in their shoes. Consider what it must have felt like to be them in that moment. Then you reflect that back.
It might sound like: "Hearing that, I can imagine you felt really alone" or "I can understand why that would have scared you" or "If I were in your position I think I'd have felt hurt too."
You're not saying they're right or you're wrong. You're saying: I can see why this was hard for you, and I care about that.
When the time is right, you switch roles.
Note
As the listener you can do this practice of empathising without needing to agree with their version of events. Your experience might be wildly different and that’s ok. But you need to park it for now.
Five steps to empathic listening
1: Listen
Use the active listening practice, mirroring back what you heard.
2: Validate
Affirm that their experience and emotions are valid and are real to them.
3: Empathise
Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you might feel.
4: Share impact
If you really take in their experience how does hearing this make you feel? Lead with vulnerability not frustration or defensiveness.
5: Ask what they want or need now
Avoid jumping into problem-solving or analysing by asking what they would like to happen. Suggestions could include: A hug, an apology, simply being heard.
Tip
You can include sense-making or problem solving as one of the options, but don’t lead with it without consent. This can often feel frustrating to your partner who just wants space and time to feel seen and heard.
Why it works
When we're stuck arguing about facts, we're in a me versus you dynamic. If you win, I lose. Empathic Listening moves you from opponents into something more like teammates (which you are!)
When your partner feels you understand why they're upset something in them softens. The need to keep fighting for their version of events drops away because they’re being validated, and empathy is the bridge from distance or defence into connection.
It also builds trust over time. When your partner knows that bringing something difficult to you won't result in a battle over who's right, they're more likely to come to you. And that openness is what keeps a relationship close.
Tip
Before offering empathy, pause for a few moments to remember that you love each other and are on the same team. Connecting to that feeling of love and care in your body will make your empathic response feel more genuine.
The hardest part
Bringing empathy when you feel misunderstood yourself is hard. You might be sitting there thinking "that’s just not what happened” or “but what about my experience?" and that's completely valid. Your experience is equally as important.
The practice asks you to park that for now, knowing you'll get your turn. You're choosing connection over being right, and trusting that your partner will offer you the same when it's your turn to speak.
If you find that hard, you're normal.
If you can’t find it in you to empathise with your partner’s experience, you’re probably in a reactive state and it’s time to return to the basics of regulating yourself.
Tip
It's worth practising on something low-stakes first. Don't save it only for your biggest arguments. Get familiar with it when the pressure is lower, so it's available to you when you need it most.
Learning about these tools is one thing. Using them effectively when you're triggered, hurt, or convinced your partner is being completely unreasonable is another.
That's where working with a coach comes in.
In couples coaching we practise these skills together, with someone to help you catch your patterns in the moment and find your way back to each other.
If you'd like to explore what that could look like for you, check out my couples coaching page or book in a free discovery call.
Where to go Next?
Active Listening
If you keep interrupting each other or don’t feel like you’re really able to hear or understand each other
Communication Breakdown
If you’re struggling to stay calm and collected in the heat of the moment and aren’t able to be empathic, start here.
Feedback Wheel
Learn to bring challenging content to your partner in a way they can actually hear, and make steps towards repair.
