Relational Check-In
Ritual and rhythm create the structure needed to keep our relationships healthy
What is a check-in?
A check-in is a time and space for you to come together and share what is on your heart and mind. You may share about what's going on in your life, and anything that needs to be acknowledged within the relationship. This can be the positives of what's going well, and the challenges. The best check-ins have a balance of both.
Why do a check-in?
Feeling connected
One of the primary reasons for a regular check-in is to stay connected to each other. Particularly when you are in a domestic setting, you can easily feel like you're spending lots of time together, but you're not spending quality time together where you are sharing your inner world (your thoughts, feelings and emotions).
When we share our inner worlds with each other, we naturally feel more connected. One of my favourite Brené Brown quotes comes to mind:
“Nothing breeds intimacy like vulnerability”
Clearing the field
In any relationship, difficulties arise. It can be anything from a sharp comment at breakfast time, to a repeating issue that isn't resolving. Clearing the field is a way to tend to these bumps, ruptures and challenges in a safe, structured and healthy way.
We often fail to do this for two main reasons: 1. Fear of rocking the boat, or 2. rocking the boat too often and too vigorously. Usually we fall into one camp or the other. Sometimes we do both, hold it all in, and then it erupts in an unpredictable volcanic outburst.
Daring to rock the boat (but not too vigorously!)
Why we should dare to rock the boat
While there may feel like many good reasons to 'keep the peace' by keeping in the hurts and challenges we experience, this often backfires. When we don't make regular time and space to address the hurts and challenges, they sit there, festering — either in ourselves, or in our partners — and this creates distance. Hurt doesn't usually go away on its own; it requires a healing process: taking out the dirt and thorns, and rubbing with a healing salve.
It can be scary to rock the boat — especially if we're afraid of our partner's reaction — but not rocking the boat poses just as deadly a threat.
Why we should be careful with our boat
When I talk about rocking the boat too often and too vigorously, what I mean is that we feel the urge to blurt out every grievance or criticism we have with our partner in the moment we feel it. It can often come with high emotion where we aren't seeing things clearly or able to communicate skillfully, and it may be an inappropriate time for your partner who isn't equipped to properly address your concern, and who may also become reactive.
Although it might feel good in the moment to unload, if you're being honest, this isn't getting you what you want.
Taking care with the boat is all about consent and containment — checking with your partner if it's a good time to share, and making sure you've moved through the initial wave of frustration or sadness before bringing the content.
Reflect
Are you more inclined to bottle things up on keep the peace, or do you tend to blurt out anytime something has annoyed or upset you.
Notice where you are now - this is an indicator of which way you need to lean to balance out.
Relational Check-in
Suggested Format
Opening and Grounding
Create a clean and beautiful environment
Open your space with an intention, or light a candle
5 minutes of meditation to check in with yourself. How are you feeling in this moment? What's alive?
Open your eyes and spend a minute or so connecting through eye contact: a soft gaze, communicating love through the eyes
Personal Share
This is an update about how you are and what's happening in your life
Start with how you are in this moment: what kind of day have you had? How are your energy levels? How does your body feel right now?
Share an update from your personal life: what's been going well, and what's been hard for you? With work, the kids, your health, upcoming plans, hopes, fears, dreams, etc.
Take around 5 minutes each to share, then switch. No interruptions or advice-giving unless specifically requested. Thank each other after you have shared.
Relational Share
This is specific to the two of you.
What is going well that you can acknowledge and appreciate?
Is there anything from the past week or so that hurt or frustrated you that you want to be heard? You might use the Feedback Wheel here.
What do you need to review from previous check-ins? Are there continuing challenges you are addressing, or do you want to report progress or difficulty?
What do you need now from your partner? What kind of response do you want? (active listening / Feedback Wheel process / empathetic listening / physical touch / problem solving)
Take turns where one person is the speaker and the other is listening and tending to their needs, then switch. Be careful not to fall into problem-solving unless your partner requests it.
Closing
Summarise any key takeaways, especially if there are agreements or action points, and make sure you are both clear on what they are. (Sometimes taking notes here is advised)
Do a few rounds of gratitudes, speaking out things you love or appreciate about each other and the check-in process
Thank each other and blow out your candle
Note
If hearing your partner’s share is triggering remember to return to The Pause to stay regulated. You can find that tool here.
Additional Skills
At this point you often need other skills to help you navigate this section.
Check out:
Plan for Success
Scheduling
Ideally, agree on a regular time that is scheduled and doesn't move (e.g. Wednesday evenings at 7pm) and put it in your diary. This works well because it removes the extra labour of having to keep rescheduling, and can address the issue of imbalance where one person feels like they hold this responsibility more than the other.
Scheduling signals to you both that this relationship is important and worth making time for. You would schedule a work meeting, a workout, or a coffee date with a friend — this is much like that.
If your schedules do not allow for a regular time slot, plan a month in advance (or as far ahead as possible), and include scheduling as part of your check-in agenda so that it happens as part of the process and the ball doesn't get dropped.
Best timing
Choose a time when you have the space and inner resource to go into difficult subject matter that may arise. If you're always exhausted before bed, this might not be the best time. Make sure you won't be interrupted, and that your space is clean, clear and comfortable. This can be challenging if you have small children. Is there a friend, family member, neighbour or nanny who can look after them?
Check-ins should be around 30 minutes to an hour. You want enough uninterrupted time to be with what arises, but check-in’s work best with some containment on time, especially if the conversation is charged. An hour is about as much as our nervous systems can handle. If the conversation doesn't feel complete but you've reached the hour mark, schedule another time in the next few days to come back to it.
Learning about these tools is one thing. Using them effectively when you're triggered, hurt, or convinced your partner is being completely unreasonable is another.
That's where working with a coach comes in.
In couples coaching we practise these skills together, with someone to help you catch your patterns in the moment and find your way back to each other.
If you'd like to explore what that could look like for you, check out my couples coaching page or book in a free discovery call.
Where to go Next?
Active Listening
If you keep interrupting each other or don’t feel like you’re really able to hear or understand each other
Empathetic Listening
If you’re getting stuck arguing over the details, or struggle to see things from their perspective.
Feedback Wheel
Learn to bring challenging content to your partner in a way they can actually hear, and make steps towards repair.
