Why Couples Stop Communicating, And How to Start Again
Every couple tells me they want better communication
But here’s what you don’t know.
Every day I hear things like:
"My partner doesn't listen to me."
"We can't seem to talk about the hard stuff without it escalating."
"I keep shutting down and I don't know what to do about it."
"I'm scared to tell the truth because I don’t want to hurt my partner."
If you relate to any of these sentences, welcome to being human.
Communication in relationships can be challenging and confusing, especially when the stakes are high and our hearts are on the line.
Here’s what’s really going on.
“Good people, bad dynamic."
Why has our communication broken down?
It can feel mysterious that the person we love so much can be the cause of so much pain. This Terry Real quote sums it up: "Good people, bad dynamic."
Most couples make the mistake of getting stuck in the content, the things that happened to cause the rupture, or the things that haven't happened that create distance. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT) we look to the root cause of why communication breaks down, which is the dynamic between you.
When the dynamic shifts, the communication improves. Because in most cases it's the way you're having the conversation, not the content of it, that's the problem.
What is a relationship dynamic?
Your relationship dynamic how you effect each other when one or both of you becomes triggered. Being triggered is when your partner does (or don’t do) something that upsets you, and as a result you feel sad, angry, hurt, confused or scared. When we're triggered we react.
Examples of how we react when we’re triggered.
Becoming loud and aggressive, controlling or demanding
Being emotionally withdrawn, passive-aggressive or overly analytical
Losing yourself in the other, people pleasing or giving in to keep the peace
Shutting down, feeling hopeless, or bottling things up
When one person reacts it usually triggers the other. Suddenly you're both operating from a place of anger, hurt or fear rather than maturity, wisdom and compassion.
Here's an example. Sally is upset because she wants Fred to initiate more physical contact. Fred finds this topic difficult and gets triggered. His reaction (which is automatic by the way) is for his mind to go blank, he’s physically in the room but starts zoning out. Sally thinks he's avoiding the conversation, his lack of emotion seems evidence that he isn’t really listening. She starts talking louder and faster, trying her best to be heard. The more she does this, the more overwhelmed Fred gets. He feels attacked and becomes even quieter. Eventually Sally gives up and walks out.
Later they make up. But the issue hasn't been resolved.
You cannot have a productive conversation from a reactive place.
There are excellent communication tools that can help you find the courage to tell the truth, listen so that your partner genuinely feels heard, and take accountability when you get it wrong.
But unless you learn this first, none of them will be very effective.
You cannot have a productive conversation from a reactive place.
The way to improve your communication is first and foremost about recognising when you're becoming reactive, and stopping it in its tracks. Calling a pause. Giving yourself time to calm down before you attempt to address anything.
This might look like mindful breathing, taking a walk, running or shaking (particularly good for anger), or speaking kindly and firmly to the part of yourself that wants to blame, wall off or collapse.
This skill is the foundation everything else is built on, and in couples coaching we spend a good amount of time getting to know what our reactivity really looks and feels like, what sets it off, where it comes from, and regulation tools to help you come back to your centre.
There are of course plenty of other practical communication skills that you can also try out. They are all brilliant at de-escalating and reconnecting.
I’ve included a few below based on the most common pitfalls that almost all couples fall into.